Finding my place

I’ve spent the past 24 hour or so thinking about my future.  At this time, I am thinking that I wish that back in 2008 when I was laid off, I had gone back to working as a paralegal in Charlotte.  Of course, I may not have been able to find another job because the economic climate was so bad then.  Back in 2008, I had a good career making a good deal of money.  I had a new car. I had health insurance.

I cannot say I was happier or healthier then.  For sure, I did not have a purpose. Although I am not sure I have a purpose now. I feel like I need to find a purpose, but I am not sure what it can be.

If I had returned to work as a paralegal, Wally and I would probably not be together now and Wally is the one thing that makes life worthwhile.

The portfolio project for this semester is haunting me terribly.  I am afraid of it; I am afraid of failing. Part of me wants to take the easy route out and just continue photographing food in a studio setting.  I got quite good at it.  If I think of my improvement, it makes me feel good that I accomplished something.

Here is one of the first images I produced:

MBernard1

It’s okay, but it is really nothing more than a pile of vegetables photographed without good lighting.

This is one of the last I did:

Acorn Squash

Which is stunning. So the improvement is evident and if I can get my butt out of the rut that it is in, I might be able to achieve the same results … or not.

I wrote the head of the photography program this morning that I was considering dropping out of the program and getting a job as a cashier somewhere and working until I can retire and really, that’s quite attractive right now.  I will continue to raise food, but just for Wally and me which would mean we’d cut back to almost no animals.  That’s very attractive right now.  I have failed as a farmer because I cannot do it in a way that both pleases the public and suits my own ideals and responsibilities.

This morning I went out to milk Moon and although it had rained over night, I did not put on my muck boots.  Bad mistake.  Moon decided she was not going to come in on her own to milk and I had to trudge out there in the mud to bring her in.  My feet were soaked and covered with mud and cow shit by the time I was through.  That cow is going to be the death of me.  I would like nothing more than to sell her and quit doing all that I do. Perhaps in March when Penny freshens I may just do that.

Until later …

 

 

 

One response

  1. Sounds like you’re in a slump to me. This too shall pass. You can’t go back in time. That chapter is closed. Probably when you think on it, there were lots of things you hated about your life back then too. We all go through this. Life is about change – new adventures (even though they might not feel wonderful at the time) to learn and grow.

    You do have a purpose – and you are following your path. No one said the journey would be easy. You are lucky you have found your path – many of us never do, and just go through the motions (like you did in Boston). You are able to support yourself on the land; you are a talented wordsmith and photographer. You have a lot of blessings you should be grateful for. Take a moment and meditate on them. Just because things aren’t coming together as quickly as you want, doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Have patience. Keep trucking along and be open – if opportunity knocks on the door, open it – and, as Milton Berle says, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” You are stronger than you think you are.

    Pat

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