As I write this, I’m in tears. I’m not quite sure why. It could be a combination of being tired and feeling isolated. For the past three years now, I’ve essentially lived the holidays through others by doing stories for the newspaper. While I’m still writing for another newspaper, their coverage is a different area than what I’ve been doing. Of course I can still go to these activities and so on, but it doesn’t feel the same. Maybe I’m just tired. School is winding up for the semester and I have a good deal of work to get done before then. I’ve been hauling a lot of cats lately and the stress and wear and tear of that may be catching up, but maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a case of the holiday blues.

I can think of a lot of things now and cry.

I deactivated my Facebook account. Facebook is such a shallow way of connecting to people – it’s sort of like a call out for attention, attention that’s not given in the normal world. If I were not to post anything on Facebook for a week or a month or longer, would anyone miss me? Would anyone reach out and text (the second shallow way of connecting) or call me? Probably not. That’s another thing I’m missing now that I’m no longer working for Lincoln Times is the connections. People reached out to me, but it was because they wanted stories done. Do they care otherwise? Probably not.

I often think if I were to die tomorrow, would anyone come to my funeral? Probably not.

What difference do I make in the world? I used to think I was making a difference by writing for the paper, but as I said, now that I’m not doing it, or doing it on a very limited basis, that isn’t happening. I am making a difference with the cats and maybe that should be fulfillment enough. I wonder why it’s not. Probably because even though I’m getting them spayed or neutered and vaccinated, it isn’t quite enough. They are, for the most part, still barely wanted.

One of the cats that I took to be spayed on Monday had to be put down. She had severely ulcerated feet. It had to have been a very painful existence for her. Given that she was feral, she couldn’t be treated and according to the vet, the disease that caused the ulcers couldn’t really be cured, just managed. I so hate that the last hours of her life were spent in a trap, scared and angry. Another cat that I did died while under anesthesia. Again, I hate that the last hours of his life were miserable. I try to make it as comfortable as I can for them while they’re here, but there’s only so much I can do. If I could give them each comfortable homes I would.

Everything is piling up on me today. I was invited, at the last minute, to go to a breakfast in downtown Lincolnton. It’s an event I’ve covered and enjoyed for the past two years. I didn’t go. A buck that we purchased in the fall to breed my dairy goats to died after a fight with a ram. I’m not sure my does are all bred. I saw an adult Oberhasli buck for sale on Craigslist and I wrote about it. The person that owns it is my arch-enemy from a dairy up in the mountains. Of all people, she shouldn’t hold anything against me, but she does. All because I didn’t vaccinate a livestock guard dog that I purchased from her about ten years ago. Yes, ten years ago. This dog is still the picture of health ten years late – I’d say without hesitation that she’s likely the only dog in her litter still even alive. Large breed dogs are not as long-living as the smaller ones but with the quality of care that Rose has received, she’s still going strong. So, she got the pleasure of writing me back and saying she wasn’t going to sell me anything. Screw her – there’s plenty of bucks in the world and if my does aren’t all bred, then so freaking what.

I waste a ton of time on Facebook. I keep my phone by me in the evenings and constantly find myself cruising Facebook – Wally does the same thing, I’m sure billions of people in the world do the same thing. Imagine if we all deactivated Facebook for a day or a month – what would happen? Would the world be a better place? Is Instagram a better social media platform? Is there a good social media platform? Think of all the book reading I could get done if I wasn’t on Facebook.

Things to ponder.

Until later …